@ozdreamer123, try ko lang.
let's go first to the topic,
"TOPIC: The idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashioned one. The new fashion mil be to have several careers or ways of earning money and further education will be something that continues throughout life."
Looks like there's something missing on the topic. Usually, there are succeeding questions such as:
What are the advantages and disadvantages of each?
Do you agree or disagree?
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons to your answer and include relevant examples.
Why is this? Is this a positive or negative trend?
Discuss both points of view and give your own point of view.
So I assume that the question to your topic is: What are the advantages and disadvantages of having a single or multiple careers.
Now, let's take a look at your introduction:
"We must acknowledge the fact that education is the key to success. It became more true in today’s world environment. No one can deny that having a skill of difference careers will boost up our level in the competitive world. However, others might view this as less important. This essay would discuss the importance of having a further study and why others see this as invaluable."
first, it would be much better if you used the third person narrative mode as it will give you a higher band score. In your first sentence you used the pronoun "WE" which is in second person plural narrative mode, you can change this to third person by using "People must acknowledge..." or "Everyone must....."
Second, it is much better if you go directly with the topic without preceding sentences. You can start with a paraphrase of the topic plus your opinion. In your intro, you started with two sentences before you went on to the topic, you can save these two sentences in your next paragraphs instead of putting them in the introduction:
Here are some examples of introduction from essayforum.com:
Most people's aim in their life is to have a good career in order to financially support themselves and their families. However, there has been a difference in people's thought about choosing a career. Some think having a single career is out of date and being multi-careered should be considered. Others hold the oppsite opinion.
This introduction is more concise and direct to the point:
Many people keep an idea of having a single career as a means of living through their lives. However, there appears a new trend of having several careers at the same time, followed by further education as an indispensable part of life.
<b>My</b> introduction would be like this:
In today's contemporary society, It is not uncommon to see people who venture in several fields and seek further education in pursuit of a more stable financial status. However, there are also some arguments that highlight the advantages of having a single expertise.
Going to your first argument, you said:
"Man people build up their corporate dreams right after they finish their course degree. Also, others intend to focus their mindset on one field only and enrich theirselves in that particular profession. There are factors as to why pursuing another career is not really vital. First, the cost of having another formal qualifications is expensive. It is to be bear in mind that there is a need to invest a certain amount of money to be able to obtain the certification that we intend to get. Secondly, there are some people who have already set out their priorities in life. For instance, some professionals would rather spend more of their time travelling, looking after their family or working in their current job. Another point is that holding another qualification is not a guarantee of having a successful life. In fact, there are brilliant people who never completed college, such as Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg."
Your points are clear and strong but there seems to be some grammatical and spelling errors. you can minimize them by reviewing your essay once you finished it. Here are my corrections:
<del>Man</del> Many people <del>build</del> built up their corporate dreams right after they <del>finish</del> finished their course degree. Also, others <del>intend</del> intended to focus their mindset <del> in only one field </del> and enrich <del>theirselves</del> themselves in that particular profession. There are factors as to why pursuing another career is not really vital. First, the cost of having another formal <del>qualifications</del> qualification is expensive. It is to be bear in mind (not sure about this, should it be "it is to be borne in mind"? but it seems awkward, i would use it "is to be taken into account" rather) that there is a need to invest a certain amount of money to be able to obtain the certification that <del>we</del>people (or they) intend to get. Secondly, there are some people who have already set out their priorities in life. For instance, some professionals would rather spend more of their time travelling, looking after their family or working in their current job. Another point is that holding another qualification is not a guarantee of having a successful life. In fact, there are brilliant people who never completed college education, such as Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg.
Also take note of your narrative mode, avoid shifting from third person to second person.
Now, let's take a look on your next paragraph:
However, pursuing another career is highly essential to have an edge in the job market. This will also open the door to more opportunities. One reason is the demands for highly skilled and competent individuals are increasing. There are many companies who prefer employing applicants which has a proven knowledge through formal certification of a certain skill. In addition, for some reason, there are certain individuals who never get satisfied learning just one skill. They tend to seek new learnings to give them the feeling of self-fulfilment. Lastly, this could help people earn a lot of extra money as they could perform work of different technical field.
Again, take note of your grammar and spellings. here are my corrections:
However, pursuing another career is highly essential to have an edge in the job market. This will also open the door to more opportunities. One reason is the increasing <del>demands</del> demand for highly-skilled and competent individuals<del> are increasin</del>. There are many companies who prefer employing applicants which <del>has a</del> have proven knowledge through formal <del>certification</del> certifications of a certain skill. In addition, for some reason, there are certain individuals who never get satisfied learning just one skill. They tend to seek new learnings to give them the feeling of <del>self-fulfilment</del> self-fulfillment. Lastly, this could help people earn a lot of extra money as they could perform work of different technical field.