@btarroja213 and @michel_75 thank you very much po for the inputs.
@btarroja213 I tried to create another essay and I already include a topic sentence for each paragraph. Thank you very much again!!
Here you are:
Write about the following topic:
<b>Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?</b>
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In most countries, the number of illegal offenses that are being committed by minors is dramatically going up higher. Many individuals believed that the reason for such should be blame to their guardians, who are their parents and school mentors, for their lack of guidance. On the other hand, it is also contested by some people that children should be given the chance to discipline themselves.
Parents or instructors should give the young individuals their own space to develop their own characters. Firstly, giving too much guidance to children might lead them to become very dependent. For instance, when a kid already turns as adult, he or she might find difficulty in making their own decision in the future if his or her parent was always there to dictate what to do. Secondly, experience is always the best teacher. In this point, youth will get to appreciate that one moment in life where in they will have the chance to better understand what sort of learning they really need for their own betterment.
However, no one can deny the responsibility of parents and teachers in moulding the personality of young individuals. One point is that they spend more time with the kids or students in which they are expected to teach them a bunch of good moral lessons. With this, punishment should be put on to the mother or father of a young kid who will commit juvenile crimes. In addition, parents and school mentors should coordinate with each other on how to best discipline the kids. This will be an excellent tie up as they could have a more effective monitoring on how the youngsters behave. Furthermore, it is not only the guardians who should be held responsible in a minor’s attitude but also the government to whom these youngsters live. For example, batting a child using a belt will be considered as a child abuse crime. Thus, this law gives the kids more guts to commit any wrongdoing acts.
After analysing both views, I conclude that it should not only be the parents or school mentors who shall be held accountable in structuring the child’s personality but also the other factors of environment that surrounds the young individuals, such as media, government, adult strangers, etc. If only everyone will play their role correctly, then we will all be surprised to figure out the outcome of this. In effect, this will reduce the juvenile crimes among youth.
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@Michel_75 this still kinda long. I'm still trying to practice more to make my essay shorter.
Thanks!
Guys, in case you've got time to review my essay, thank you in advance! Critics are all welcome. Thanks again. Many many thanks!!